We all grieve differently and that’s okay

It is December 16^th, 2018, I’m sitting at the restaurant of a New York City hotel waiting to head to the airport to catch my flight to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. As I’m sitting there eating breakfast with my son while my husband steps out to go run a quick errand, I’m on the phone texting back and forth with my brother. He was at the clinic where my dad had been admitted since December 6^th. My brother was literally updating me every couple of minutes, until this one last text from him that just read: “Huguette”; I responded “I know, dad is gone”.

Immediately, my brother in-law calls me from Dakar, Senegal, where he, my sister and my nephew had been visiting his family for the past few days. They were going to arrive in Ouagadougou in a few days so we could all celebrate Christmas as a family. I could hear my sister crying. I just told my brother in-law that I had received the news.

Then I texted my husband right away and just said “dad is gone”. He responded “Be strong, I’m on my way back”. Here I am at this restaurant with a 3-year old boy, super excited to get to spend the holiday season with his grandparents, uncles, aunt and cousin, trying to pretend that everything was fine. The truth is, there were so many emotions running in my mind and body at that time, I could not even cry. It was just too much! People started calling from all over to see how I was doing. They felt very sorry for me when they realized that if I had arrived home a day earlier, I would have been able to say goodbye to my dad…Maybe…Only God knows.

But you know what, I believe God did not want me to see my dad so sick; my dad himself did not want his girls to see him in the state in which he was. He wanted us to remember the very active, always on-the-go dad we’ve always had and that’s  the image of him I have in my head; not that of a very sick man.

As the oldest of 3, I wanted to be strong for my mother, and for my sister and my brother.

Although dad had not been feeling well for the past 2 years or so, he was still on his feet and doing the best he could to have a normal life; his health just deteriorated 10 days before he passed away. I last saw him via video call on Thanksgiving day 2018. And even after he was admitted to the clinic, I still talked to him whenever he could get on the phone. We did not expect this and all of us (my sister and her family, and my family and I) were taking this trip back home to spend the holidays.

This time of the year has always been a big deal for our family; on Christmas’ eve, we’d all go to Church and return home for a late dinner and family time , before going to bed sometimes around 1-2 am. Christmas day would be lots of cooking and sharing meals with neighbors and extended family members.

However, what was supposed to be a great celebratory moment, turned into funeral planning, lots of road trips, funeral. I will never forget that afternoon, just a day after we got home, I went to pick my dad’s casket with my husband and my brother. I was really running on adrenaline and just wanted to have the best funeral ever for him. It’s only God’s grace, otherwise I don’t know how I was able to do this while being 5-month pregnant.

After we buried dad on December 20^th, everything was still surreal for me. The holiday season will definitely never be the same again. I remember how we still tried to have a “normal” Christmas’s eve and had my son and nephew open their gifts. It was a wonderful moment to see their happy faces despite what was going on – and despite the fact that we took the Christmas tree down when dad passed away. He had asked my brother to put it up for his grandchildren and had definitely prepared the house in so many ways for them to have a great time.

Dad knew he would not make it, and had taken all necessary precautions to make sure we held his funeral the way he wanted. He did all he could to avoid us having to figure out how to handle certain aspects of it. Everything was clear – every single detail – even though we were probably in denial mode. I will forever be grateful to him, for preparing us to know how to handle his funeral so there was no confusion, questions…we knew exactly how he wanted everything to go, and that’s a true blessing.

We returned to the States in mid-January after dealing with other issues I will not even start to mention here. As we got ready to get back to our normal routines, that’s when the grieving process really started for me. My dad and I were very close. We became even closer when I left my home country to attend College abroad.

We would literally speak on the phone every morning on my way to school during my college years; then to work; and a few times during the day, even if it was just by text message. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was very sick so we talked even more. That’s just the way my dad was: if one of us was going through something, he would literally forget about himself and focus on us. So he called me even more often to check on me and tell me to take care of myself and the baby.

My first day back to work, and no conversation with my dad literally killed me!

I was now almost 6 months pregnant with my daughter and trying to manage my emotions to avoid any complications. This is also the time when I started going through some of the text messages that people had sent me to present their condolences. I was actually now “seeing” the words they wrote. Yes, before that, I was numb and reading text messages without actually reading them. Not sure if this makes sense, but that’s what happened.

I then decided to take a break from everything to properly grieve and take care of myself and the baby I was carrying. So, I stopped writing on the blog and spent a lot of time reading my Bible. In fact, my dad’s passing affected my faith so much that I wanted and needed to stay connected to God. Reading the Bible more was the best way for me to do that.

We all grieve differently, and that’s okay. My sister got back to her activities as soon as she returned from our trip home because she wanted to have her mind focused on something. I, in the contrary, needed a break from everything. This affected some of my friendships, because some people thought I was distant, but you know what, that’s okay too. My real friends are still around.

In fact, a friend of mine reached out on Facebook to see how I was doing. He mentioned that he had stopped by our house back home and that my sister told him that I was in the shower; and that he did not hear from me after that. I told him I was sorry I did not even try to reach out after that. He responded that he completely understands that I had too much going on.

We all lose loved ones and all I can say is don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. We all grieve differently, and that’s okay. Do what’s best for you and what helps you go through the grieving process. My dad passed away a year ago today, and my last post on the blog was a month before his departure. Since then, I just could not find the strength to write and publish anything. I just wanted to find myself and figure out what’s next for me.

This time of the year will never be the same again, Christmas will never be the same again, and I will forever miss my dad. However, I have so many good memories of him to keep me going when times are hard, and I will forever be grateful to him for being the dad he was to us. He was a present dad. Always there.

Dad, I love and miss you a lot and promise to keep making you proud.

I wish you all a happy and safe holiday season. Spend time with your loved ones and don’t forget to tell them you love them.

As for me, I’m ending this year doing what makes me happy:

• Spending quality time with my family
• Reading
• Journaling
• Relaxing
• Working with my mindset coach
• Going to therapy
• Overall, investing in myself to make 2020 a better year than 2019.

Love and blessings!

Until next time…

Huguette